Bekah’s posterous

by Bekah Ferguson www.bekahferguson.com

According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly 60% of Americans are obese.

Medical and disability reasons aside, a common cause of obesity is perpetual overeating. I personally know what it's like to have no self-control, to binge and binge, day after day. The self-loathing, the despair; hating the obsession, but loving the taste of the food all the while.

If you often "drown your sorrows" in a tub of ice cream, read on. :)

The Heart of the Matter

Studies show that a high percentage of men and women who lose weight through dieting will eventually gain all the weight back, plus some. Why is this? If losing weight makes us feel so good about our bodies, why do we allow ourselves to gain the weight back?

There is a psychological phenomenon making a growing appearance amongst gastric by-pass patients, a condition known as "addiction transfer," and it offers us an important clue. People who have lost huge amounts of weight through this "stomach-stapling" surgery are later becoming addicted to alcohol or other substances, compulsive shopping, gambling, promiscuity, etc. Here's why: Dopamine, a brain chemical classified as a neurotransmitter, is responsible for pleasure feelings in the brain. Drinking alcohol or eating "comfort" foods boosts the levels of dopamine in your brain making you feel good for a temporary amount of time. When the levels drop back down again, you feel a craving (a sense that something is lacking), and you seek to fufill that craving. Essentially, you need a boost to feel better emotionally. So you eat a chocolate bar or drink some whiskey. With gastric bypass patients, their ability to overeat is suddenly gone (their stomach is too small), but their need for a "boost" is still there. They must find something else to fill the void; hence the phenomenom of addiction transfers.

This indicates that unfulfilled emotional needs are the root cause of addiction. So, while excess weight is sometimes a medical or disability condition, for many of us, a food addiction is manifest. In which case, dieting and losing weight will never be permanent until the underlying causes of the addiction are first addressed! We can not remove our source of comfort - food - without first filling the void with something else. Otherwise, after depriving ourselves for a few months (dieting), we'll eventually give in to the overwhelming cravings for comfort foods in the same way that an alcoholic longs for another drink. No one likes to feel dreary and depressed for long periods of time. (If you've ever tried to quit smoking, for example, you know how miserable you can get without nicotine.) This is why despite your elation in losing weight, chances are high that you will gain it all back unless you find a way to manage your addiction.

I'm sure you all see the obvious paradox here: Being overweight makes you unhappy, so you overeat to "feel better." When the high wears off and you regret that supersized fries, you overeat again for more comfort. I used to blame my depression on my weight. But now I realize it was depression itself that caused me to become overweight! I was turning to food for comfort whenever I felt sad, anxious, scared, unhappy, insecure, lonely, etc. We aren't born overweight, it takes years and even decades to reach a state of obesity. For me, eating food for comfort, above and beyond legitimate physiological hunger needs, eventually lead to my being overweight.

We have to pinpoint why we are overeating. What emotional needs are we seeking to fill through food? The thing is, no matter how much we love food, it will never love us back. We must seek other methods of emotional fulfillment; life-giving ones. As born-again Christians, our comfort and security must come from our relationship with a loving, heavenly Father. The next time you are hurting, I urge you to spend time in prayer and BIble study, laying all your burdens at the foot of the cross. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)

Hebrews 4:15-16 says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Quiet time with God won't release extra bursts of dopamine in your brain, but over time, your body will learn to adjust to the new levels. The food cravings will decrease in frequency and intensity. I know this to be true because I've lived it. Any recovered cigarette smoker, alcoholic, or drug addict can attest to this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! As a follower of Christ, you too can learn to successfully manage a food addiction.

Food Addiction and Alcoholism

Even if a recovered alcoholic never takes another drink for the rest of his life, he is still an alcoholic. The same goes for those of us who have lost a lot of weight and wish to maintain that weightloss: We must recognize how vulnerable to comfort foods we will always be. And we must find ways to protect ourselves from future falls.

Gluttony is a socially acceptable addiction, and like alcoholism, it has a tendency to "run in the family." It is common to see overweight adults with overweight children. We also all know overweight individuals who have tried every diet under the sun but couldn't stick to them in the long-run (ourselves included). Now, I'm not trying to be harsh here, but a wake-up call is needed. Until you can fully grasp where you are right now, you won't be able to overcome anything. Honesty is the first step to recovery: We have to admit that we are, in fact, addicts.

You can't "turn off" an addiction simply by dieting; counting calories, eating low-fat foods and depriving yourself of sweets. Eventually you will throw in the towel when squelched cravings grow out of control. Colossians 2:20-23 says, "Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 'Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!'? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence."

Like the alcoholic who longs for just one harmless drink, the food addict is going to continue to long for just one chocolate bar, just one bag of chips. But chances are, if you aren't hungry and you start to nibble, it's only a hop, skip and a jump till you've downed the entire pan of brownies. It's as if you go into a trance; self-control goes out the window. This is crucial: A food addict, who is trying to lose weight or to maintain weightloss, must not keep their pantry and fridge stocked with trigger foods! The only way to avoid binging is to keep your food vices out of the house. I'm not talking about normal, healthy foods such as fruit and vegetables, wholegrains, meat, milk and cheese; I'm talking about the indulgent foods: pop, potato chips, cookies, cakes, pies, pastries, donuts, chocolate, etc. There's nothing wrong with these foods in themselves (other than additives and preservatives, trans fat, and obvious lack of nutrition) and it's certainly not a sin to enjoy sweets or snack foods once in a while! They are delicious and enjoyable in the healthy context of moderation. In the same way that we can't realistically cut these foods entirely from our diets, we can't keep our pantries stocked with them either.

Do you love chocolate? Buy one chocolate bar at a time. Chips? Buy one snack-sized bag of chips at a time (or buy a normal bag if they're to be shared with friends). ONE. I personally can not handle the temptation of a box of chocolate bars or a package of donuts/pastries. So I never buy them. I buy one donut or one chocolate bar at a time. That's all I can handle. And if we have company for dinner and there's half a pie leftover or half a cake, etc., I wrap up the leftover and put it in the freezer; I can't handle the temptation otherwise. If it's frozen, I can't binge on it! This is handy too, because usually there's enough dessert leftover to serve again the next time I have company. It saves money and I don't end up eating half a pie (which I would if it wasn't frozen solid). And this is hardly depriving myself - I happily ate a piece of pie and ice cream right alongside my guests. You see, it's not the foods in themselves that pack on the pounds, it's the gorging on "the leftovers" that does. You don't get drunk on one glass of wine. But drink an entire bottle . . . Again, it all comes down to greed and addiction; over-indulgence. Eating cake because you're bored and unhappy. Drinking alcohol to numb the pain.

Proverbs 23:19-21 says,"Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags."

Don't Give Up, Even After Countless Falls

Giving into a binge every few days shouldn't be a reason give up. Yes, you'll feel awful and miserable everytime you give in and binge. But if you keep getting back up after a fall, you'll eventually get there. Endurance wins the race. You see, the way to remain overweight is to continue overeating 24/7. An occasional bad day won't make you gain the weight back; though, yes, a binge every couple of days will slow your weightloss progess to some degree. However, it's certainly no reason to quit. It's just a bump in the long, winding road. Climbing a mountain is hard work! Think of it this way: Going two days before giving into a binge is not a failure, not if you normally binge every day. This is an accomplishment!

The time will come when you'll go three days without a binge and then a week. Another accomplishment! Some months you might go weeks before a stumble, perhaps even a month. But you will stumble from time to time, especially during times of greater weakness (various trials and tribulations we must face). It's inevitable. And it may actually take a few years to get to the top of the mountain. It took me more than half a decade to get to a place where I could manage my food addiction on an on-going basis; for many years I went up and down 10-15 lbs over and over again. Imagine if I'd given up even one year too soon, or six months, for that matter. I never would've made it to the top. Several years can sound like an unbearably long time, but it's behind me now. You can get there too! The very fact that you keep trying again and again proves you can make it.

Food Addiction and Pornography

I think it is a great hypocrisy in the church today when overweight or obese Christians look down on others who smoke cigarettes, drink too much, or can't stop viewing pornography. I just want to say to them, What about your addiction to food? Gluttony is greed. I know so because I've been there. I used to be a glutton: I didn't want just one donut, I wanted the whole box of donuts! "But," you might say, "it's just food. How can you compare that to pornography?" Well, God does. Scripture lists greed right alongside sexual immorality. Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Yes, it's "just food," but it can be detrimental too. Heart disease is the leading cause of death in America.

Try looking at it this way: A man is addicted to pornography. No matter how guilty he feels about it, no matter how many times he repents to God and tries to do better, he inevitably gives in to his addiction time and time again. He just doesn't seem to have any self control, even though he desperately wants to stop. And maybe he even managed to go a whole week or month before giving in and spending a whole night viewing porn. Let's compare that to giving into a food binge. Here's the first question: Did he go to the store and rent a video or did he have a video in his closet? Did he go to the store and buy a magazine, or did he have one under his mattress? Did he fire up the Internet on his computer or is his Internet disconnected? How about with food? Is there a big bag of chips in your cupboard right now or would you need to drive to the store to get some?

A man addicted to pornography will never overcome his addiction as long as he has magazines, videos and unrestricted Internet access in his home! He will never overcome. The same goes for you and I - We can never overcome our food addiction as long as the cupboard is stocked with junkfood, chips, pop, chocolate, pastries, etc. We are sinners; fallible, imperfect beings. Jesus Christ is the only man who ever was (and is) perfect. We can never be perfect because of our sin nature; it's impossible. Therefore, it's inevitable that some of the time, we will make the wrong choices and do the wrong things. God doesn't condemn hypocrisy so much as the heart that is unwilling to admit its hypocrisy. Like the Pharisees. God knows you have a repentant heart. He knows your sorrow and shame. And he knows you aren't perfect. Failure will happen from time to time. That's life! You can't get around that. You have to accept it; otherwise after one too many failures, you'll give up permanently.

The Apostle Paul said, "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (Romans 7:21-25)

True failure is never trying again. If you always get back up, no matter how many times you fall down, you will make it in the end: "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)

Have you asked God countless times to take away your longing to overeat? Do you give into a binge because after praying for help, you still have the craving? Well, here's the thing: God doesn't take away "the urge" - he provides "a way out"! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." See, God is not going to take away the temptation (the craving, the urge), but he will provide an escape route. Nor is he going to allow you to be tempted "beyond what you can bear." If you have to dump the contents of a bag of chips into the garbage can, do it! Yes, it is a waste of money and a waste of "food;" but to eat chips when you aren't physically hungry is even more of a waste - its a burden on your pumping heart and hard-working liver. If the chips have to be wasted, it's far better to waste them in the garbage can than on your hips!

For a long time, maybe even many years, the man who is addicted to porn is still going to long to view porn even when he's sitting there on the couch not viewing porn. He doesn't like how he feels inside (he longs for the porn, even though he hatesthe addiction), but the escape route God has given him is no porn available in his house. In an act of very deliberate sin, he would have to put on his shoes and drive to the store to "give in" to his temptation. That's stepping outside of the boundaries of God's protection! It's the same with food. Giving into temptation because it's right at your fingertips (a gift, a social gathering) is not nearly as calculated as going to the store, consciously pulling out your wallet and laying down cash to pay for it. At the same time, keeping lots of tempting food in your house on purpose, knowing your weakness, is just as deliberate as walking to the store!

Giving into temptation from time to time happens, especially when the food is offered to you by friends/family, and everyone else around you is eating it too. Holidays are especially difficult, as delectable eats are often a traditional theme of family gatherings. God knows your heart. You didn't defiantly "set out" to sin at such times. And remember, there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying these foods in the right context (moderation)! But for people like you and I, we can't keep such foods in our homes on a regular basis - just as a recovered alcoholic doesn't dare keep liquor in his/her closet. For an alcoholic or pornographer, they must abstain completely because even one glass or one magazine can knock them off the wagon. Food is somewhat different in that we need to eat food to survive; alcohol and porn are not needed for survival. This means that it's all right to enjoy food when you're hungry. It's when you step outside of those boundaries (greed) that you risk your long-term health and your emotional/spiritual wellbeing.

In Conclusion 

If you've done your part - kept the temptation out of your home - then you've done the right thing and you needn't beat yourself up so much every time you slip and overeat. It's not "okay" to overeat once in a while, for we know that all gluttony is greed (Ephesians 5:3), just as all pornography is lust, which Jesus said is the equivalent of adultery (Matthew 5:28); nevertheless, as fallen mankind, we will continue to sin, despite our best efforts. 1 John 1:9 says, "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Examine your heart and continue to pray for endurance. God will bless your faithfulness! Keep climbing the mountain. And when your foot slips, don't just let go and fall all the way down to the bottom. Find another foot hole and get back at it! In time, you will reach the top.

Remember Hebrews 12:1, which says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

A little tip: Take the time to read through and study a basic course on nutrition. Two books which I recommend in particular are, "The Maker's Diet" by Jordan S. Rubin (www.makersdiet.com), and "The WeighDown Diet" by Gwen Shamblin (www.wdworkshop.com). Knowing which foods are nourishing and life-giving will motivate you to make healthier food choices because understanding what happens to food as it works its way through your body makes the fatty, sugary foods much less appealing. Learning about nutrition and the direct relation to degenerative diseases was a pivotal point in my own struggle with food addiction. As an old saying goes, "Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels."

(c) 2008 - Bekah Ferguson

Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. http://www.bekahferguson.com/

by Bekah Ferguson
www.bekahferguson.com

Dr. Henry Morgentaler, recently awarded the "Order of Canada" (the highest Canadian honor) yet considered by many Canadians to be one of the most prolific murderers of the unborn, is a Polish Jew who survived the Auschwitz death camp. He refers to the Holocaust as the reason for his "every child a wanted child" slogan. Morgentaler believes that one of the root causes of Hitler's genocide was "unwanted" abused children who grew up to embrace and practice Nazi philosophies out of hatred for their abusers. In June 2005, at the University of Western Ontario, Morgentaler was quoted as saying, "Well-loved children grow into adults who do not build concentration camps, do not rape and do not murder."

While these words hold truth in and of themselves, they present an inaccurate picture. Nevertheless, the theory that abortion prevents child abuse fuels the pro-choice beliefs of many Canadians. Sadly, the statistics have proven this theory completely false.

Take a look at these statistics from the Child Welfare Branch of the Ministry of Human Resources, in Ontario, Canada (these are the totals reported from all provinces except PEI and includes physical, sexual and emotional abuse):

• In 1971, there were 16,172 abortions and 422 reported cases of child abuse.
• In 1978, there were 38,782 abortions and 1,762 reported cases of child abuse.
• In 1994, there were 104,403 abortions and 30,366 reported cases of child abuse.

If Dr. Morgentaler's theory was right, the rates of child abuse should have decreased as rates of abortion increased. But all it takes is one look at these statistics to see plain as day that the number of child abuse cases have doubled and tripled! Statistically, this proves that abortion does not decrease the rates of child abuse at all. Child abuse has indeed skyrocketed.

In reality, the majority of abused children were in fact wanted children. It is narrow-minded to suggest that the rates of child abuse have only appeared to worsen because abuse awareness and reporting has increased. Do we honestly believe that a society which views its most helpless members as expendable are going to view them any less expendable after birth?

Having a "wanted" child does not ensure a child will not be abused. Where is the logic in suggesting that abortion prevents child abuse when abortion itself is abuse; and the worst type of all, for it permanently ends the life of the preborn child. If we do not value a child while she's still inside her mother's womb, why should we value that same child when she's two years old or five years old?

"Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness" (2 Corinthians 11:14-15).

(c) 2008 - Bekah Ferguson

 

Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. http://www.bekahferguson.com/

by Bekah Ferguson
www.bekahferguson.com

If all it takes to have a healthy self-image is natural physical beauty, there would be no anorexic supermodels. Celebrities like Christina Aguilera and Carmen Electra needn't have had breast enlargement surgeries, actresses such as Brooke Shields and Uma Thurman needn't have had costly cellulite treatments, and famous moms like Dayna Devon and Patricia Heaton needn't have had tummy tucks.

I'll be the first to admit that if there were papparatziis following me everywhere I went, I'd be a lot more concerned about cellulite. Who wants to find an unflattering photo of themself on the front page of a tabloid under the heading, "Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies"? If you could easily afford cellulite laser treatment, why not have it done? And to be fair, Patricia Heaton had four ceasarean sections before opting for a tummy tuck.

I've borne two children in a three-year time period and my second child was 10 lbs! He was also nine days overdue. So, we're talking a huge ponch here. He's a year old now and I still have a roll on my belly. I can usually hide it by sucking in, but I'll be honest and admit that I'm self-conscious about it and would rather it not be there. A tummy tuck seems like such a quick fix, especially considering a post-partum tummy can't always be flattened by mere stomach crunches. And anyone who's had a ceasarean section knows that such scars can't be dieted away. But because surgery is both extreme and expensive (not to mention dangerous), most women have to resign themselves to living with the permanent "battle scars" of pregnancy, such a saggier boobs, looser tummies and stretch marks. Nevertheless, we still compare our post-partum figures to those of celebrity moms who have personal trainers, one-on-one dieting coaches and if all else fails, cash for surgery. We even compare our post-partum figures to women who have never been pregnant.

I'm sure at one time or another, many of you have come across photos of celebrites caught without makeup. It's always a shocking sight! We're now living in the age of Photoshop beauty and anything that falls below that standard of perfection is considered unattractive, plain and even ugly. Natural beauty is no longer enough. Even the most beautiful women (by society's standards) still have to be swathered in makeup and air-brushed before they can appear on the cover of a magazine. Remove a wrinkle here, dab out the character lines beneath the eyes there, fill out the chest and lips a bit here, and smooth out the hips ever-so-slighty there. The images we see plastered thoughout magazines, billboards on the highways, posters in the shopping malls, music videos, and TV commericials, are not real women at all; they are glorified caricatures. Even mannequins have disproportioned Barbie doll figures. And yet I will admit that one look at a magazine cover can make me feel bad about myself.

I'll be the first to admit that if there were papparatziis following me everywhere I went, I'd be a lot more concerned about cellulite. Who wants to find an unflattering photo of themself on the front page of a tabloid under the heading, "Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies"? If you could easily afford cellulite laser treatment, why not have it done? And to be fair, Patricia Heaton had four ceasarean sections before opting for a tummy tuck.

I've borne two children in a three-year time period and my second child was 10 lbs! He was also nine days overdue. So, we're talking a huge ponch here. He's a year old now and I still have a roll on my belly. I can usually hide it by sucking in, but I'll be honest and admit that I'm self-conscious about it and would rather it not be there. A tummy tuck seems like such a quick fix, especially considering a post-partum tummy can't always be flattened by mere stomach crunches. And anyone who's had a ceasarean section knows that such scars can't be dieted away. But because surgery is both extreme and expensive (not to mention dangerous), most women have to resign themselves to living with the permanent "battle scars" of pregnancy, such a saggier boobs, looser tummies and stretch marks. Nevertheless, we still compare our post-partum figures to those of celebrity moms who have personal trainers, one-on-one dieting coaches and if all else fails, cash for surgery. We even compare our post-partum figures to women who have never been pregnant.

I'm sure at one time or another, many of you have come across photos of celebrites caught without makeup. It's always a shocking sight! We're now living in the age of Photoshop beauty and anything that falls below that standard of perfection is considered unattractive, plain and even ugly. Natural beauty is no longer enough. Even the most beautiful women (by society's standards) still have to be swathered in makeup and air-brushed before they can appear on the cover of a magazine. Remove a wrinkle here, dab out the character lines beneath the eyes there, fill out the chest and lips a bit here, and smooth out the hips ever-so-slighty there. The images we see plastered thoughout magazines, billboards on the highways, posters in the shopping malls, music videos, and TV commericials, are not real women at all; they are glorified caricatures. Even mannequins have disproportioned Barbie doll figures. And yet I will admit that one look at a magazine cover can make me feel bad about myself.

Photoshop Beauty 

Here's what I want you to do the next time you catch yourself comparing your physique or even just your face with the photo of a model or celebrity:

First, purchase an expensive, fashionable outfit that matches your specific body and color types. Secondly, go to a hair salon and have your hair cut, colored and styled (or, if you have extremely short hair, feel free to purchase an authentic-looking wig). Thirdly, visit a beauty spa for exfoliating treatment of your pores, and then a laser hair treatment center to have your eyebrows shaped and any random facial hairs zapped away. Fourthly, purchase a push-up bra, or slip some gel pads into your bra to increase bust size. Fifthly, visit a beauty salon and have your makeup applied professionally, everything from concealer, foundation, powder, bronzer, blush, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, eyebrow liner, lip liner and lipstick, and even fake eyelashes if you like. Lastly, I want you to go to a photography studio and have a full body or facial shot taken and printed on an 8 x 10. Be sure to have several different poses taken so that the photographer can select the most flattering one of the lot. And make sure he/she enhances your eye color and also air-brushes away all blemishes, zits, wrinkles, age spots, and character lines.

At last, you are ready to compare yourself to a magazine photo! But there's one more important thing I must stress: My plus-size ladies, you can only compare your 8 x 10 to women in plus-size magazines. (And older ladies must not compare their mugs to those of younger women.) I am confident that if any of you actually go to this degree of trouble (not to mention small fortune), you will be pleasantly surprised (if not shocked) to find that these paper beauties have nothing on you at all. And let us never forget that the rich and famous easily spend thousands of dollars a month on their high-maintanence beauty regimes! If I had that kind of money to blow, wow, I wouldn't have to trim my own fingernails anymore. (With myself and two children, I spend a lot of time trimming nails.)

Makeup Reliance

Speaking of makeup, how many of you would rather die than be seen in public without makeup on? Remember how shocking it is to see a celebrity without any makeup? Well, truth is, the same goes for us ordinary folk. Think of the women you know who always wear makeup. On the rare occasions when you've happened to see them without it (perhaps when they first got up in the morning), I'm sure you noticed how tired and plain (normal?) they looked without it. We are so used to their painted appearance that to see them any other way is unsettling. I used to be strongly reliant on makeup and during my mid-teen years, someone once asked my mother, "Why does Bekah wear her makeup like a sl--?" See, I never went anywhere without makeup; I even wore waterproof mascara so it wouldn't (perish the thought) wash off when I swam at the beach. I honestly believed in my heart (albeit subconsciously) that if I were to go out in public without makeup on, I would be so plain I might as well be invisible. Not wearing makeup seemed the equivelant of wearing gray clothes.

On that note, think of the women you know who rarely wear makeup. What is your impression on the occasions when they do wear makeup? Perhaps, "Wow, I can't believe how pretty she is"? Here's what I discovered in my late teens: One of my good friends only wore makeup once or twice a week. She looked great without makeup and she looked great with makeup. And though I was more accustomed to her unpainted face than her made-up one, I didn't consider her plain-looking at all. She was not an exotic beauty by any means. Just a regular young woman; but when she did occasionally wear makeup, I was impressed with how much of a doll she was. It took a few years of reflecting on this before its significance clicked in my head. When it did, I decided to stop wearing makeup every day.

See, I realized that if I were to reserve heavy makeup for special occasions, dates with hubby, and perhaps just one unparticular day of the week, I wouldn't have to fear being seen without makeup in public anymore. There's a physchological tendency to believe that women who look lovely without makeup are blessed enough "to not need it." But putting the few rare exotic beauties aside that we each may happen to know, I have found that the reason such women can "get away" with not wearing makeup is simply because we're used to their natural faces. Think of it this way: If it was normal for celebrities to perform and pose without layers of makeup, it would no longer be a shocking sight. Tabloids would have to try and shock us with photos of celebs with makeup.

So, here's a suggestion if you rely on heavy makeup and greatly lose confidence without it: Try cutting back gradually (rather than cold turkey) until you're down to perhaps some concealer (as needed) and a touch of lipstick or eyeliner. Reserve eye shadow, blush, mascara, lip liner, and the whole nine yards for special occasions. There is so much freedom in this practice. It's essentially a transfer of perspective: Instead of feeling plain without makeup, you'll feel "dolled up" with makeup. And it makes special events all the more exciting. I personally find this "less is more" mentality refreshing and I never want the burden (bondage?) back of having to wear makeup every day to feel good about myself. Men don't have to wear a lick of makeup to look good, why should we?

I have learned to look my bare face in the eye without cringing. You can too! By all means, use concealer on blemishes and zits, and do pluck stray hairs if they bother you; I'm not suggesting we grow out our unibrows here. But you know, our eyes are beautiful all on their own, they really are. Have you ever looked in a child's twinkling eyes and thought, if she would just add some eyeliner and shadow, she'd be so much prettier? That's a laughable thought. On the contrary, we're appalled when little girls wear makeup. Yet somehow we believe that our adult eyes aren't pretty enough on their own merit. Yes, we can enhance them with color and this can be charming (again, I like to wear makeup on special occasions and dates with hubby), but quite frankly, heavy makeup can be distracting in a negative way, especially if it gets smudged, cakey or clumpy.

It never ceases to irritate me how in nearly every sitcom and movie, we see women going to sleep with full-blown makeup on, and instead of waking up in the morning with clogged pores and racoon eyes, they slip out of the sheets with ruffled hair but completely undisturbed makeup. (This is akin to the "we just woke up, let's smooch" scenes in romance movies. In the real world, French kisses are reserved for later when "morning breath" has been mouth-washed away.)

Makeover shows run frequently on cable TV (Oprah, Tyra Banks, informercials) and you never see an unpainted woman smiling in her "before" picture. If you did, the "after" picture wouldn't be nearly as impressive. We find ourselves thinking, Oh, she looks so much better with makeup; less tired and more cheery! It's an illusion. Of course we all look better dressed-up than in sweats, but so what? Not every day is a gala ball. I'm also going to look a lot wanner in a dull corner of a room than I will standing out in the sunshine (or under a spotlight). All it takes to look "less tired and more cheery" is a smile genuine enough to light your eyes! Don't get me wrong though, I've been persecuted for not wearing makeup and coloring my hair, so I'm not making these comments lightly. Yes, you read that right: persecuted. But rather than crushing my self-image, this experience actually enforced my desire to be appreciated for myself alone, rather than my superficial appearance. Here's what happened:

When I was nineteen and first began experimenting with natural hair color and minimal-to-no makeup, I got a job as a receptionist at an elite hair salon. The job interview was arranged through "Job Connect," a job-finding program that subsidizes new employers for the first handful of weeks of employment (the orientation period). I believe the "mistake" I made was wearing makeup and jewelry on the day of my interview. I gave them the wrong impression, so-to-speak. ;)

The first thing I noticed on the job was that the hairdressers (and owner) were upperclass individuals with sleek sports cars, silky, shimmery clothes, jelled and colored hair, and glittery gold jewelry (the men too). Conversations revolved around one-night-stands, clubs, exotic vacations, and physical fitness. And from the start, they spoke excitedly about the makeover they were going to give me; the new, stylish hair cut and highlights, and how great it was going to look, etc. Imagine their disappointment when I turned down these repeated offers. I did my job well, in this I am confident; I answered the phone, booked appointments, greeted clients, served tea and coffee, and did everything right. I dressed nicely in skirts, dress pants, heels, and light jewelry (you couln't criticize me for not dressing professionally), but I kept my natural hair color and didn't paint my face.

Well, two weeks in, the owner's father, also a hairstylist, happened to stop by for a visit. Picture a middle-aged man with a toned body, tight black shirt to show off his pecs, flat-front pants and a flashy belt, with perfectly coiffed salt and pepper hair. First thing he does when he meets me is give me the up and down look as though he were a camera lens, and verbally outlined what needed to be done with my hair. I politely turned down the offer. A couple of days later, this same man returned and explained to me that my subsidy was about to run out and they unfortunately couldn't afford to keep me on as the receptionist. This was clearly a "kind" way of firing me without telling me the real reason, which was, "You don't wear enough makeup and you won't let us funk up your hair." (Remember, this was an elite salon. Haircuts alone were $50 a pop. Money was not an issue for them.) Two weeks later, they had a new receptionist: A tall skinny young woman with black, high-heeled calf boots, a miniskirt, skin-tight pink shirt, heavy makeup and . . . magenta hair. Magenta.

Of course I understand that a hair salon receptionist is in many ways, an advertisement for the salon, and I wasn't complying. It's not that I was opposed to trendy hairdos, not at all; I just resented their desire to completely change my appearance. As far as I'm concerned, the vain and shallow social circles that reject women who don't wear heavy makeup and flashy clothes, are not the sort of people I want to impress.

There was a time, however, when I changed my hairstyle on a monthly basis, unable to find a style that looked good enough. No matter what "look" I tried, I never measured up to my confident, perfect-looking peers. So, I would try yet another look, each time meeting with yet another presumed failure.

Hairdos, Cuts and Styles 

As a sixteen-year-old, I dyed my hair a different color every couple of months until my hair was dry and splitting; and I changed the style so frequently that within a year, I'd been to the hairdresser so many times my hair was down to one-inch in length and had nowhere further to go. I was forced to grow it out again which was a miserable waiting period requiring globs of styling gel to tame my hair during those various "inbetween" phases of length.

At one inbetween phase, when my hair wasn't quite long enough to tuck behind my ears, I was so self-conscious of "wings" that I moussed my hair stiff each morning and wore a skinny metal headband that gave me headaches. (Wind was my mortal enemy at this time.) I was extremely envious of anyone with hair long enough to pull back into a ponytail (never mind that my hair had been that long before I chopped it all off) and I also despised the "pretty" girls who looked so cute with their hair as short as mine. (Even though I had the same haircut as many of the popular girls, I didn't have their porcelian skin and big doe eyes. My perception of myself was warped. I never saw my smile when I looked in a mirror, only the blemishes. Never my blue eyes, only my big nose. I was consumed with negatives.)

I remember one day in particular because when I was walking home from school with a guy friend, he suddenly reached out in the middle of a random conversation and yanked the flimsy metal band from my head, flinging it to the pavement. I stopped startled and gaped at him. In frustration he snapped, "I just wish you would let your hair loose for once!"

I ditched the headband from that day forward and resigned myself to accepting my hair the way it was, wings and all. A couple of weeks later, when I was no longer wearing hair gel and my hair was happily wind-ruffled, this same guy said to me, "Do you have any idea how sexy you are?" I didn't. Not at all. Now, this guy wasn't my boyfriend and we never dated or anything like that, we were just friends, but of all the guys I've known (aside from my wonderful husband), he inadvertently impacted my self-image in the most positive ways through random insight I don't think he realized he had. Later that same year, when I was grumbling about my weight (I wasn't overweight at this time, having lost 50 lbs a year prior, but I still didn't think I was thin enough), he again got angry with me and said, "No guy wants to cuddle a bag of bones!" I reminded myself of that comment for years to come whenever I got to fretting over my hips and thighs (we ladies always seem to think we're bigger than we actually are).

Now all this is not to say we shouldn't dye our hair or change our hairdo styles from time to time. Change can be a lot of fun! And finding a hairdo that matches our unique personalities can be freeing in itself. Any time I've had a hairdo that doesn't match my personality, I've felt like a fish out of water. The thing is, I was out of control for a long time: I wasn't happy with my appearance and was trying one thing after another in the hopes of finding a look I'd be satisfied with. I never was. When my hair was long I wanted it short, when it was short, I wanted it long. When it was black, I wanted it red and when it was red, I wanted it blond. I was so preoccupied with my physical appearance that it was to the point of obsession. I now realize that though I despised my looks, I was just as vain as those snobby girls who thought they were superior to everyone else. I have since come to accept my natural hair just the way it is. It's true, I tend to wear a lot of ponytails, and this isn't glamorous or trendy, but it's comfortable and I enjoy having long hair.

If frequent hair-dying and styling is a safeguard for you against the dreaded state of "Plain Janehood"; let me encourage you to tone things down and find ways to appreciate your natural, God-given hair color.

1 Corinthians 11: 14-15 says, "Does not the very nature of things teach you . . . that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory?" Now, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't wear our hair in short styles, but there is something interesting and lovely about long, natural hair. It has a feminine quality to it which is often becoming. For example, we don't often see older women with long hair anymore, but every once in a blue moon, I will spot an elderly woman with long white tresses that are absolutely stunning. She stands out in a crowd because of her natural hair. (I am, of course, speaking of clean, brushed and trimmed hair, not straggly, greasy locks.)

While dying or cutting our hair on occasion can be a refreshing change, when it comes to selecting colors and styles, there's something important to be aware of: Certain haircuts and styles require heavy makeup as a garnish; an acessory. It's like clothing. You don't wear pearls and chandelier earrings with a T-shirt, but a prom gown calls for it. In the same way, bright cherry-colored hair (or any extravagant color or style) just doesn't look complete without shimmering, smoky eye makeup to match. If you want to cut back on makeup and hair gel reliance, you may want to try a more natural hair color and longer length.

Porcelain Skin, Fashion and Vanity

Whether you have a clear complexion or not, we all know that a single zit has the power to ruin an entire day. One big zit on your forehead, nose or chin and you're miserable. You try to hide it with coverup and powder, and even if this works to some degree, you still check your reflection every hour to make sure the makeup hasn't worn off. And if the zit is big enough, makeup will only hide the redness, not the size. In short, there's nothing much that can be done for a big zit except to wait it out. Nevertheless, it's tough to resist the urge to envy women with porcelain skin. (Remember air-brushing? Most women don't have perfect complexions.) As a teenager, I was terribly self-conscious of my acne and to this day, though my skin is much easier to maintain than it was then, I still find myself longing for a clearer complexion (though truth be told, I would've loved my current complexion if I'd had it at age sixteen!).

Consider this: Have you ever gone to a social gathering on a zit-day-of-doom? Did you find it hard to make eye contact with people, convinced that everyone was zooming in on that zit and being repulsed by it? It helps to put things in perspective here. Think of the last social-setting you attended and think of the people you talked to. Can you remember if anyone had a zit or a facial blemish of some kind? If you do remember someone with a blemish, did you focus on it at the time and did you think the person was ugly because of it? Chances are you can't remember a single person with any sort of facial blemish. But even if you do remember someone with a zit or two, I doubt you thought they were ugly because of it. Why should you consider yourself any differently? Even if someone does notice your zit, all they're going to think (if they think anything at all) is that "so and so has a zit" and then they're off to the next random thought. Seriously. No one cares if you have a zit on your forehead. They're too busy worrying about the zit on their forehead.

And how about Fashion? For many years, I hated clothes shopping because it seemed without fail, the clothes so lovely on mannequins looked terrible on me. I'd go home feeling sad and ugly every time, even if I did find a few outfits that fit comfortably and looked nice. Sometimes I'd even torture myself by buying a pair of pants that were too tight because I was sure I could lose enough weight to fit into them soon. I'm sure you can guess the outcome each and every time: I'd suffer through several months of wearing suffocating jeans (or staring at them folded neatly in a drawer) before finally passing them along to Goodwill with a feeling of regret for having wasted my money, and a sense of failure for not having lost any weight. Clothes alone can make us feel good or bad about our appearance. Allow me to suggest some ways to prune your wardrobe into one more complimentary to your body image:

To start, please remove all shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, etc. that are too small and tight for you, no matter how nice they might be. Likewise, remove any outfits that are miles too big and make you feel "frumpy" to wear. Put these in a box to go to your local thrift shop. Next, remove any items of clothing that are dull or drab in appearance. (Some women look lovely in gray, of course; I simply mean whatever colors are dull to you.) I've found personally that colorful, cheery clothing helps me to feel cheery as well. Only keep clothing that fits your current body type, is comfortable, and that you enjoy wearing. If you have any outfits that "fit" but are uncomfortable, or make you self-conscious about some part of your body, I suggest you pass them along. I recognize that many of you will be hoping to lose weight someday but let's not allow that to dictate our current wardrobe. If you find yourself in a situation of permanent weight loss someday, by all means, purchase new clothing at that time. But never before. Also, if you've gained weight but have held onto clothing that no longer fits, don't torture yourself by keeping those items. The sight of them will only make you feel sad or guilty on a continual basis.

I have one more suggestion and this isn't only for the frugal-minded. Try shopping for clothes at a large thrift shop, like Value Village of Goodwill, instead of intimidating clothing malls or big-name stores. You won't be bombarded by giant posters of "gorgeous" models or endless mannequins wearing today's latest fashion. It's fun to shift through racks of random shirts, pants and the like until you find something that strikes your fancy. Who cares if it's in style or not? If it's a nice color, fits you comfortably, and gives you a cheery feeling, you should buy it. Wear clothes that allow you to feel comfortable in your own skin and ditch the ones that don't. You're the only one who's going to suffer by wearing jeans that are too small. People might wonder why you're walking so stiffly, but they won't care about your pants. So you might as well wear clothes that fit.

Speaking of "outward adornment," do you carefully pick out your best clothes, apply your makeup fastidiously and coiff your hair to perfection every morning before heading off to "the office"? Do you check your reflection frequently throughout the day and hope your coworkers consider you physically attractive? And for the married women reading this, I must ask, why is it so important to be considered physically attractive by the men you associate with in public? Are you hoping for an affair? Certainly not. More importantly, do you put this much time and care into your appearance in the presence of your husband or does he always get the flannel pajamas and track pants? This is backwards, my friends. Of all the people in the world, the only person you should enjoy dazzling with your looks is your husband; it shouldn't matter if your male co-workers think you're pretty. And for all women, married or single, it's your skills, talents and integrity which matter most in the workplace, not your physical appearance! What is your primary focus?

1 Peter 3:3-5 says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."

The Apostle Peter isn't saying here that we must avoid nice hairdos, jewelry and fashionable clothes. He was rather emphasizing the importance of valuing and nurturing our inner beauty instead of obsessing over the asthetics of outward appearance. Consider Colossians 3:12-13, which says, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

I am not suggesting we start going to our workplace wearing jeans and flip-flops or shapeless, colorless clothing, I'm merely pointing out that some of us have become so preoccupied with our appearance in public that it's become an obsession. And being obsessed with our outward appearance is vanity.

Recently, while doing research for my latest novel, I stumbled upon a disturbing picture. I can't remember what my search query was, but I clicked on a random website, scrolled down, and suddenly found myself staring at an upclose photograph of a car crash. I will spare you the gruesome details, but suffice it to say, the woman driver (who had obviously perished) happened to be wearing very nice clothes. She had large hoop earrings, strawberry-blond hair long and flowing, and a sleek black leather jacket. She had also been driving a sports car. Along with the instant nausea and haunted feeling that lasted several days after, I found myself wondering what this young woman's last thoughts had been.

Perhaps it was simply her fashionable appearance that brought on such contemplation, but I wondered:  As she drove to or from whatever her destination had been, was she thinking all about her physical appearance, little knowing that her life was about to end and her looks would no longer matter? How many of us spend huge amounts of time thinking about how we looked today and how we looked yesterday, how we looked last week and even last year, how we might look tomorrow and in the year to come, and what did everyone think of our looks today and what does our husband/boyfriend really think of our looks, and what can we do to improve our looks, etc. etc. etc. If we were to die suddenly, what are the chances that our minds will be filled with vain, trivial thoughts?

The truth is, no one else cares what you or I looked like today and they certainly don't care what we looked like last month. They are too busy caring about their own looks. So, why should we devote so much time to meditating on and obsessing over our physical appearance?

The next time you find yourself immersed in superficial thoughts, stop, take a deep breath, and focus on something that really matters; like your friends and family, your values, your hobbies and aspirations, and things that bring you joy.

Body Shapes and SIzes

I know a dear woman, eighty-years-old, who still worries about her weight and longs to be thin again like she was as a young woman. At a time in her life when she ought to relax and enjoy a piece of cake without guilt, she continues to fret about her body image. Yet losing weight for her is completely unrealistic. She walks with a walker and can't stand for long periods of time because of the back surgery she had a couple years ago after a break. But because her desire for weightloss has been intact for several decades, such obsessive longings are deeply ingrained. If only she could be happy with the body she has; for what a blessing to have been given eighty years of life (and counting), fifty-five years of marriage (and counting), and not a single tragedy in her family. Nevertheless, her thoughts continue to be consumed with that of her physical appearance and how it is perceived by others. I don't want to reach her age myself and still be worrying about the size of my hips. I wish she could see how loved and cherished she is and always has been, regardless of her size. Who is she trying to impress anyway? Strangers? What is the source of this misguided pride that says "I'm a failure as long as I continue to be overweight"?

There was a time, at the peak of my own weight troubles, when I hated the very sight of my legs. I avoided wearing shorts in the summer (and sweated needlessly) because to me, my legs looked pudgy and unfeminine. I was embarrassed by them. I thought, "How can I be pretty with such heavy legs and thick ankles? Pretty women have thin legs and delicate ankles." I never stopped to think how blessed I was to have legs! There are so many people wheelchair-bound or in prosthetics and yet I hated my legs simply because they weren't thin. But legs, like noses, come in all different shapes and sizes. Every woman's legs are unique to her own body type and height. Let me ask this: Have you ever seen a woman with a lovely face who also happened to have unshapely legs? Did you think to yourself, "Well, I thought she was pretty, but now that I've seen her legs, I don't think she's pretty anymore." I doubt it. That's just goofy. Yet this is how we treat ourselves! I'm not pretty because my nose is too big (too small, too narrow, too wide). I'm not pretty because my hips are too round (too narrow, too curvy). I'm not pretty because my eyes are too small (too big, too wide). The list could go on and on.

Imagine if we all looked exactly alike. How boring would that be. The varying shapes of eyes and eye colors, the shapes and sizes of noses, chins and jaws, cheekbones, straight or arching eyebrows, crow's feet and laughter lines, age spots, etc., are all features that give a person character. What aspect of your body do you despise most? The shape of your legs? Your waist? Your backside? Your nose? Let it go. No one else is obsessing about that part of your body and neither should you. (Like zits, they're too busy obsessing over some aspect of their own body.) The media portrays physical beauty as perfection only, but the truth is, a person can be beautiful, lovely, attractive, cute, handsome, etc., regardless of any number of physical "flaws" they might have. For all you know, that crooked smile is one of your most endearing physical attributes.

Comparing ourselves to celebrities and models is one thing; however, it's just as easy to compare ourselves to friends, relatives and co-workers. Even a day relaxing at the beach can be downright depressing if a group of pretty girls happen to waltz by with little bikinis and "perfect" figures. The same can be said of a trip to the mall; all it takes is one sleek female brushing by you in the clothing aisle to make you toss your armful of clothes back onto the rack in exasperation. When you're unhappy with your body, its easy to find someone who looks "better" than you. It's also easy to find someone who looks "worse" than you too. And though it may be a small satisfaction to spot a woman who weighs more than you do, it doesn't really help you feel any better. As the founder of "The WeighDown Diet," Gwen Shamblin, points out (and I've paraphrased), "A woman who is five pounds overweight is just as unhappy with her body as a woman who is fifty pounds overweight." So, it doesn't matter how many people we see who look worse than us; all it takes is seeing one person who looks better to sink our spirits for the rest of the day. And we will see other women from time to time who seem to have flawless bodies, because they do, in fact, exist. There will always be people out there who stand out in a crowd, whether physically, intellectually or artistically.

Sometimes we see women in public who are overweight or have some physical aspect that we find unappealing, and to be blatantly honest, we think to ourselves, "Boy, I'm glad I don't weigh as much as she does!" Or "I'm glad I don't have legs like hers!" But here's the thing: we do not know these women personally. We do not know if they are loving and gentle, sweet and kind, talented, smart, witty, generous, ambitious. We know absolutely nothing about them other than their physical appearance and perhaps their occupation. As such, it is easy to believe that in the same way we find certain physical features unattractive in strangers, other people are finding those same features unattractive in us.

Let's take the time to think about the women in our own circle of close friends and family who happen to be overweight. Do we think they are unattractive and unlovable because of that? Let's think also of the women we know and love who are slim but have cellulite or spider veins or lots of wrinkles. Do we think they are thus unattractive and unlovable? Of course not. These are women you love and respect and care for deeply. It doesn't matter what they look like physically; you love them just the way they are! And because you know them, you also know their hearts and dreams and personalities. You enjoy their company and they enrich your life. It is who they are inside that makes them so lovely to you.

Now let me ask you this: Why do you believe that you are "unattractive" or "unlovable" simply because of being overweight or having cellulite or acne or a big nose or hair that is too curly or too straight? What makes you any different from all the women you know and love? Do these woman care that you are overweight? (I'm guessing you don't care what they weigh.) And do they think you are ugly because you have a big nose? Not a chance. In the same way that you love and accept them, as is, they also love and accept you. The interesting thing about inner beauty is that it transforms a person's outward appearance once you get to know them. In the same way, a lack of inner beauty can severely marr even though most physically-appealing face. As the old saying goes, "Beauty is skin deep but ugliness goes straight to the bone."

It's time to start treating our ownselves with the same respect and consideration we so generously give to others. Chances are, the most wonderful and beloved women in your life are not anywhere near model-material. They are normal women with normal bodies; big or small, short or tall. If we were to change these women into glorified caricatures, we would likely have to remove everything about them that makes them unique and interesting. We wouldn't recognize them anymore.

Anyone who has lost a loved one has felt that terrible pain of knowing they will never again see the face of the one they cherished on this earth. We love the faces of those precious to us; we hold their image dear in our hearts. And if we lose someone we love, we long to see their face just one more time. Consider this: In the same way Jesus Christ is the image of the invisible God, our faces, our "eyes," are the windows to our souls. You may not have the face of a supermodel, but your eyes, your smile, your face is precious to those who love you! How can you continue to hate the face that is so treasured by those who love you?

Isaiah 53:2 says of Jesus, "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him." Yet how we adore him! God, our creator, could have been the most physically attractive man ever to have existed; he was, after all, perfect and without sin. But when it came to his physical body, he chose to be ordinary; not even good-looking enough to be considered handsome. I ask you this: Who is more lovely than Christ?

You don't have to be physically attractive to be beautiful to those who have come to know you.

Physical Perfection and Weight Loss

It is impossible, even for the most physically attractive women, to achieve physical perfection. Therefore, for those of us obsessively believing that losing weight will be a cure-all, we have unknowingly placed a standard of "Photoshop perfection" upon ourselves that can never be obtained: We are so focused on our physical flaws that we can't see any of our attributes. Strip away the extra weight and all of these other listed "flaws" will still remain.

Be honest with yourself: If you were to lose weight, would you be content with your face, your nose, your eyes? Would you be content with the shape and length of your legs and/or the elasticity of your skin? Or would you want these things to be improved as well? Where will it end? At what state must you reach before you can feel good about your body?

Why is Hollywood, the land of the beautiful people, so full of broken relationships, divorce and remarriage, depression, anorexia, drug and alcohol addictions, and suicide? It's because being thin and "beautiful" is not enough to make a person emotionally healthy! And when it comes to those who are overly confident in their appearance, we label them conceited and shallow, and find ourselves repelled by their personalities. Some of the most outwardly attractive men and women I've known have also been the most mean, snobby and superficial. They were not people I wanted to befriend.

The reality is that you and I will never have perfect figures, and until we can learn to accept ourselves the way we are now, big or thin, we will never be content. There will always be the wishing for a smaller nose or bigger, perkier breasts, less wrinkles and toner muscles. There will always be something standing in the way of contentment. But the thing is, we are all aging, one year at a time. The spider veins on my thighs are not going to go away, they will only become more visible over time, especially considering how much time I spend sitting at my computer writing. The same goes for anything else: As we age, we accumulate more and more wrinkles, parts of our body become looser and saggier, our backs begin to stoop, our hair turns white, and our knuckles gnarl. It is inevitable. And one day, when we have passed from this present earth to meet our Maker in heaven, our physical appearances will be long forgotten by the generations to come.

What kind of legacy do you wish to leave behind? We must learn to focus our thoughts and energies on things that hold true value and significance in light of eternity. Our physical bodies are only temporary and are quickly fading away, but our souls are eternal. Which should we spend the most amount of time nurturing?

I will take the time now to talk more indepthly about weight issues because as I've mentioned, many women believe that if "I could just lose this extra weight, then I would feel good about my appearance." We honestly think that being overweight is the primary reason for hating our bodies. (This belief, by the way, is equally as seductive as "if I could just have this one more thing, then I would be content.") I personally believe that weight gain in itself (medical and disability reasons aside) is only a symptom of a diseased body-image, not the cause. Weight loss is not the illusive, magical cure many of us believe it to be.

For the longest time I too believed being overweight was the cause of my poor self-image. But after finally losing fifty pounds, I still didn't like the way I looked and was still unhappy with my figure for many years to come! (I could type out a long list of perceived flaws.) There are still times when I am surprised to come across photographs of myself from only a couple of years ago and remember having felt "pudgy" at the time the photo was taken! I wasn't fat at all, and anyone else looking at those photos might think I was insane for having thought I was; but in my mind, I was still that fifteen-year-old girl who was overweight. Now, there is certainly a period of elation after successful weight loss, no question; but when the dust settles and all the problems and insecurities you had in your life before are still there, the high wears off. The seductive enchantment of "being thin" dissolves into reality; thin people hate their bodies too.

Studies show that a high percentage of women (and men) who lose weight through dieting will eventually gain all the weight back, often more. Why is this? If losing weight makes us feel so good about our bodies, why do we allow ourselves to gain the weight back?

There is a psychological phenomenon making a growing appearance amongst gastric by-pass patients, a condition known as "addiction transfer," and it offers an important clue. People who have lost huge amounts of weight through this "stomach-stapling" surgery are later becoming addicted to alcohol or other substances, compulsive shopping, gambling, promiscuity, etc. Here's why: Dopamine, a brain chemical classified as a neurotransmitter, is responsible for stimulating the pleasure center of the brain. Drinking alcohol or eating "comfort" foods boosts the levels of dopamine in your brain making you feel good for a temporary amount of time. When the levels drop back down again, you feel a craving (a sense that something is lacking), and you seek to fulfill that craving. Essentially, you need a boost (a "hit") to feel better emotionally. So you eat a chocolate bar, drink some whiskey or smoke a ciggarette. With gastric bypass patients, their ability to overeat is suddenly gone (their stomach is too small), but their need for a boost is still there. They must find something else to fill the void (the craving); hence the phenomenom of addiction transfers.

This indicates that unfulfilled emotional needs is the root cause of addiction. So, while excess weight is sometimes a medical or disability condition, for many of us, a food addiction is manifest. In which case, dieting and losing weight will never be permanent until the underlying causes of the addiction are first addressed! We can not remove our source of comfort (food) without first filling the void with something else. Otherwise, after depriving ourselves for a few months (dieting), we'll eventually give in to the overwhelming cravings for comfort foods in the same way that an alcoholic longs for another drink. No one likes to feel dreary and depressed for long periods of time. (If you've ever tried to quit smoking, for example, you know how miserable and jittery you can get without nicotine.) This is why despite your elation in losing weight, chances are high that you will gain it all back unless you find a way to manage your addiction.

I'm sure you all see the obvious paradox here: Being overweight makes you unhappy, so you overeat to "feel better." When the high wears off and you regret that supersized fries, you overeat again for more comfort. Naturally, we assume that being thin will make us happy, thus no longer needing comfort food. Unfortunately, we don't release how emotionally relient on food we've become. I used to blame my depression on my weight, but now recognize it was depression itself which caused me to become overweight! I was turning to food for comfort whenever I felt sad, anxious, scared, unhappy, insecure, lonely, etc. We aren't born overweight, remember, it takes years and even decades to reach a state of obesity. For me, eating food for comfort, above and beyond legitimate physiological hunger needs, eventually lead to my being overweight, which consequently increased my depression. After I lost the weight, it took many years to learn how to cope with negative emotions without "numbing" them with food.

As a Christian, you too can learn to successfully manage a food addiction. That being said, however; you must first get to the root of your emotional needs and crippled self-image, so that you can seek healing. Until we find healing of our hearts and minds, we won't last very long without

by Bekah Ferguson
www.bekahferguson.com

It is impossible, even for the most physically attractive women, to achieve physical perfection. Therefore, for those of us obsessively believing that losing weight will be a cure-all to our low self-esteem, we have unknowingly placed a standard of "Photoshop perfection" upon ourselves that can never be obtained. We've become so focused on our physical flaws that we can't see any of our attributes.

See, here's the thing: Even after we've dieted away the extra weight, all those other listed "flaws" are still going to remain.

Be honest with yourself: If you were to lose your excess weight, would you be content with your face, your nose, your eyes? Would you be content with the shape and length of your legs and/or the elasticity of your skin? Or would you want these things to be improved as well? Where will it end? What physical state of perfection must you reach before you can feel completely good about your body?

Why is Hollywood, the land of the beautiful people, so full of broken relationships, divorce and remarriage, depression, anorexia, drug and alcohol addictions, and suicide? Well, being thin and "beautiful" just isn't enough to make a person emotionally healthy! And when it comes to those who are overly confident in their appearance, we label them conceited and shallow, and find ourselves repelled by their personalities. Some of the most outwardly attractive men and women I've known have also been the most mean, snobby and superficial. They were not people I wanted to befriend.

The reality is that you and I will never have perfect figures, no matter how thin we are, and until we can learn to accept ourselves the way we are now--big or thin--we will never be content. See, there will always be the wishing for a smaller nose or for bigger, perkier breasts; perhaps less wrinkles or toner muscles. There will always be something standing in the way of contentment. But here's the thing: We are all aging, one year at a time. The spider veins on my thighs are not going to go away--they will only become more visible over time, especially considering how much time I spend sitting at my computer writing. The same goes for anything else. As we age, we accumulate more and more wrinkles, parts of our body become looser and saggier, our backs begin to stoop, our hair turns white, and our knuckles gnarl. It is inevitable. And one day, when we have passed from this present earth to meet our Maker in heaven, our physical appearances will be long forgotten by the generations to come.

What kind of legacy do you wish to leave behind? We must learn to focus our thoughts and energies on things that hold true value and significance in light of eternity. Our physical bodies are only temporary and are quickly fading away, but our souls are eternal. Which should we spend the most amount of time nurturing?

I will take the time now to talk more indepthly about weight issues because regardless of the forementioned discontentments, many women believe that if "I could just lose this extra weight, then I would feel good about my appearance." We honestly believe that being overweight is the primary reason for hating our bodies. (Can you see how this mentality might be as seductive as "if I could just have this one more thing, then I would be content"?) I personally believe that weight gain in and of itself (medical and disability reasons aside) is only a symptom of a crippled body-image, not the cause.

Weight loss is not the illusive, magical cure many of us believe it to be.

For the longest time I too believed being overweight was the cause of my poor self-image. After finally losing fifty pounds, however, I still didn't like the way I looked and was still unhappy with my figure for many years to come! (I could type out a long list of perceived flaws.) There are still times when I am surprised to come across photographs of myself from only a couple of years ago and remember having felt "pudgy" at the time the photo was taken! I wasn't fat at all, and anyone else looking at those photos might think I was insane for having thought I was; but in my mind, I was still that fifteen-year-old girl who was overweight. Now, there is certainly a period of elation after successful weight loss, no question; but when the dust settles and all the problems and insecurities you had in your life before are still there, the high wears off. The seductive enchantment of "being thin" dissolves into reality; Thin people hate their bodies too.

Studies show that a high percentage of women (and men) who lose weight through dieting will eventually gain all the weight back, often more. Why is this? If losing weight makes us feel so good about our bodies, why do we allow ourselves to gain the weight back?

There is a psychological phenomenon making a growing appearance amongst gastric by-pass patients, a condition known as "addiction transfer," and it offers an important clue. People who have lost huge amounts of weight through this "stomach-stapling" surgery are later becoming addicted to alcohol or other substances, compulsive shopping, gambling, promiscuity, etc. Here's why: Dopamine, a brain chemical classified as a neurotransmitter, is responsible for stimulating the pleasure center of the brain. Drinking alcohol or eating "comfort" foods boosts the levels of dopamine in your brain making you feel good for a temporary amount of time. When the levels drop back down again, you feel a craving (a sense that something is lacking), and you seek to fulfill that craving. Essentially, you need a boost (a "hit") to feel better emotionally. So you eat a chocolate bar, drink some whiskey or smoke a ciggarette. With gastric bypass patients, their ability to overeat is suddenly gone (their stomach is too small), but their need for a boost is still there. They must find something else to fill the void (the craving); hence the phenomenom of addiction transfers.

This indicates that unfulfilled emotional needs is the root cause of addiction. So, while excess weight is sometimes a medical or disability condition, for many of us, a food addiction is manifest. In which case, dieting and losing weight will never be permanent until the underlying causes of the addiction are first addressed! We can not remove our source of comfort (food) without first filling the void with something else. Otherwise, after depriving ourselves for a few months (dieting), we'll eventually give in to the overwhelming cravings for comfort foods in the same way that an alcoholic longs for another drink. No one likes to feel dreary and depressed for long periods of time. (If you've ever tried to quit smoking, for example, you know how miserable and jittery you can get without nicotine.) This is why despite your elation in losing weight, chances are high that you will gain it all back unless you find a way to manage your addiction.

I'm sure you all see the obvious paradox here: Being overweight makes you unhappy, so you overeat to "feel better." When the high wears off and you regret that supersized fries, you overeat again for more comfort. Naturally, we assume that being thin will make us happy, thus no longer needing comfort food. Unfortunately, we don't release how emotionally relient on food we've become. I used to blame my depression on my weight, but now recognize it was depression itself which caused me to become overweight! I was turning to food for comfort whenever I felt sad, anxious, scared, unhappy, insecure, lonely, etc. We aren't born overweight, remember, it takes years and even decades to reach a state of obesity. For me, eating food for comfort, above and beyond legitimate physiological hunger needs, eventually lead to my being overweight, which consequently increased my depression. After I lost the weight, it took many years to learn how to cope with negative emotions without "numbing" them with food.

As a Christian, you too can learn to successfully manage a food addiction. That being said, however; you must first get to the root of your emotional needs and crippled self-image, so that you can seek healing. Until we find healing of our hearts and minds, we won't last very long without comfort foods.

The answer to permanent weight loss, therefore, is to improve your self-esteem now, while you are overweight, and then work on losing weight.

(If you are overweight for reasons of health or disabilty, rather than food addiction, weight loss may not be a viable option for you. Ask your doctor. Also, if you are struggling with anorexia or bulimia, I urge you to seek help from a trusted friend or loved one, and a qualified professional.)

As I have stressed, losing weight is not the magical cure for a poor self-image. Thin women can be (and are) equally as unhappy with their bodies as overweight women (again, I refer to Hollywood). So, in order for us to find healing of our body-image, we must first seek restoration of our self-esteem.

(c) 2008 - Bekah Ferguson



Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. http://www.bekahferguson.com/

by Bekah Ferguson
www.bekahferguson.com

I want you to try an experiment.

For the next day or two, write down in a journal every negative thought that comes to mind. Every, "I'm fat," "I'm plain and ugly," "I'm a loser," "I'm not sexy," "I'm unlovable," "I'm stupid," "I'm a failure," "I'll never amount to anything," etc. At the end of the day, read these thoughts out loud, one by one. Then, think of someone you love dearly, such as a child, a spouse, a grandparent or a friend, and imagine yourself saying these same things to your loved one. How does such a scenario make you feel? I'm guessing the very thought of it abhors you.

The truth is, we carefully avoid making such negative, harsh comments to our loved ones. Why? Because we deeply value and care for them, love, respect, and honor them. We try our best to avoid hurting them and when we do hurt them, we are quick to apologize and seek their forgiveness.

It is time to start loving and respecting ourselves in the same way we love and respect others! The Apostle Paul explained in Ephesians 5:28-29, that in order for husbands to properly love their wives, they must "love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church."

Learning to love yourself will not only improve your self-worth, it will also enhance your ability to sincerely love others. It is tough to love others unconditionally when we despise and criticize our own selves for every flaw, mistake or failure.

For example, the overweight mother who continually grumbles about being overweight, verbally berates her outward appearance and speaks often of her wish to be thin and attractive, will inadverently send the message to her daughter that she too is unworthy and unattractive unless she is thin and pretty. (This same example can be used with academic competence, career/financial success, talents/skills, and the like.)

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." The next time you find yourself negatively criticizing youself, stop that line of thought in its tracks and state, "I give no consent to such thoughts!" Force yourself to think of something else instead. This will take practice at first but in time, the negative thoughts will greatly decrease as you learn to treat yourself with respect. Remember, whatever you feed, will grow. In the same way that you carefully avoid making such cruel comments to a loved one, you must never make such comments to yourself.

Failures, regrets and mistakes should be used as grounds for learning, not for condemnation. Rather than beating yourself up over something you regret, examine what happened, what led up to it, and what can be done differently in the future. Build yourself up with encouragement just like you would encourage a friend or a child during a time of difficulty.

(c) 2008 - Bekah Ferguson



Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. http://www.bekahferguson.com/

by Bekah Ferguson
www.bekahferguson.com

Self-esteem is the overall appraisal of one's own worth as a person; his/her measured degree of confidence in and respect for his/her self.

If self-esteem is based on chartable successes alone, it will inevitably fall short or precariously totter, as life is full of mistakes and failures. It won't remain stable but will go up and down in line with the ups and downs of life. As such, it is vital that self-esteem be clearly differentiated in our minds from self-confidence, which is vulnerable to conceit and narcissism (ego based on self-image). In the same way, self-esteem based on body image will be weakened with every perceived physical flaw.

Legitimate self-esteem must come from internal sources, not external ones. Those who truly value themselves and believe in their intrinsic worth as human beings, do not need validation from external sources in order to maintain that esteem. And so we find that self-worth is the core of self-esteem.

Many of us have placed unstable contingencies on our self-worth. For example, we measure our worth as a person by how much we are loved by our family, how much we are loved by our husband/boyfriend, how much we are valued by our friends, coworkers, society; or how competent we are academically, our career successes, our physical attractiveness; and perhaps more obscurely, our virtue.

Many of us struggling the most with a lack of self-worth are ashamed (past or present sins), have been shamed (abuse, neglect), or have experienced the sorrow of infidelity (devastating to both body image and self-worth).

Ashamed 

Some of us live with regrets that continue to sting to this day, no matter how much time has passed. Every time we recall what we did, we despise ourselves for it. Though we've genuinely repented of wrongdoings and know God has forgiven us, we still find it difficult to forgive ourselves. And even if we have forgiven ourselves, we continue to believe we are undeserving of peace and well-being because of the sufferings we have caused others.

Consider Psalm 103:10-12 which says, “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

You may not feel like you deserve happiness in your life because of the unhappiness you have caused others in the past, but the truth is, we have all hurt others in our lifetimes, we have all sinned against God, and none of us deserve anything. Romans 3:10 & 23 says, ”For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God . . . There is none righteous, no not one.” Yet Romans 6:23 assures that though "the wages of sin is death, the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Jesus paid the price for our sins on Mount Calvary. It is done, paid for, finished. God loves you and I so much and considers us so valuable, that he sacrificed his one and only Son for us (John 3:16)! Our Creator has assured us that through the blood of Christ, we are made worthy of love, peace and well-being.

What if the sins of your past were not so much ones that caused others to suffer, but rather caused you to suffer? Perhaps sexual sins left you with deep-rooted feelings of guilt, impurity and insecurity that continue to this day. Or maybe you lost valuable time, possessions and relationships due to drug or alcohol addictions, gambling, and the like. I urge you to memorize 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, so that you can remember it whenever false guilt rears its ugly head:

"Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." You have been washed and sanctified. You are clean. You are pure.

1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And in Isaiah 1:18 we read, ” ‘Come now, let us reason together,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.’ ”

Regardless of your past, which is now as far as the east is to the west removed from you, you have been made worthy of love, honor and respect though the gift of Salvation we have graciously received from Christ. In Jesus alone, we find inexplicable value and worth as human beings.

Shame 

Some of you have been physically, mentally and/or sexually abused as a child, a teen or an adult. Some of you may even now be in an abusive situation with a husband/boyfriend, a friend, an employer, a parent or relative, or a caregiver. Ongoing or longterm abuse can lead us to believe we are unworthy of love and consideration. We come to the conclusion that there must be something so terribly wrong with us that we deserve to be treated this way. And if we are not valuable enough to be loved by those we should be able to trust, then we must be worthless.

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is intimately acquainted with physical and emotional abuse. He knows exactly what you've been through and what you are even now enduring. The Son of God, pure and blameless, holy and just, was a "man of sorrows" and "despised and rejected by men." Like you (and any innocent victim of abuse), Jesus did not deserve the treatment he received at the hands of others. He was not unworthy of love and respect. On the contrary. Nevertheless, not only was he mocked and spit upon, and falsely accused, he was eventually tortured and crucified by those he had come to save.

"He [Jesus] was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not . . . he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed . . . He was oppressed and afflicted . . . he was led like a lamb to the slaughter . . . By oppression and judgment he was taken away . . . He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth." (Isaiah 53)

Dear friend, if you have been abused in the past, I urge you to seek counselling from a qualified Christian therapist or pastor. There is nothing shameful in needing therapy. In the same way that a physically-ill person must take special care of their body through nutrition, medication, bed rest, and the like, a person who is suffering with mental and emotional trauma needs equally important care and treatment of their minds and heart! We are not just physical beings. We are body, mind and soul. The first step to recovering your self-worth then, is to talk things out with a trustworthy counselor.

Are you in an abusive or neglectful relationship right now? Is there someone close to you, perhaps a husband/boyfriend or a parent who is verbally or physically abusing you? You must find a way to distance yourself from such people. If you have an abusive parent or guardian, do you have a close friend or relative you can move in with until you are able to find a place of your own? You don't deserve such treatment, regardless of what your abuser says. Cruel, selfish people are unable to love others in a healthy way. Their treatment of you is not a reflection of your worth as a person: It is a reflection of the dark sin in which they have become enslaved. Always remember that.

Is your husband/boyfriend emotionally/verbally abusive? I recommend marriage or relationship counselling. If he refuses to cooperate, do you have a close friend or family member with whom you can move in with for a time? Scripturally, we know that adultery is the only grounds for divorce (Matthew 19:9) but this doesn't mean we have to remain in an abusive relationship. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband." If your husband is continually degrading you and refuses counselling, it is in your best interest to separate from him for a time in the hopes that he will eventually seek counselling and reconciliation. If your husband is not a Christian, however, the Apostle Paul goes on to say in verse 15: "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."

If your husband/boyfriend is physically abusing you, you must leave immediately. How many times has he promised not to hit you again only to break that promise with yet another bout of violence? His word is untrustworthy. If he truly loved you, he would never lay a hand on you. Always remember that. Would you beat someone you love? Not a chance. Perhaps the first step to restoring your self-worth is to love yourself enough to get away from an abusive relationship! If your child or a close friend was being abused by someone, you would do everything in your power to rescue them. You deserve to be rescued too.

Infidelity

Discovering your husband has betrayed you with an extramarital affair must be as shocking as being told that your child, close friend or relative has died suddenly. And I am sure that a husband's unfaithfulness is more painful in the long run than losing him to death. All the love, trust, security and intimacy you have known is, just like that, utterly destroyed. And not only that, you are left with the conclusion that you are unworthy of his devotion, not valuable enough to be loved, and not physically attractive enough to have kept his interest. Adultery is a fell blow to one's entire self-image, and the road to recovery is long and hard; a roller coaster of intense anger, jealousy, and grief. Time does not heal these wounds and unless proactive measures are taken, a woman may live out the rest of her life having never recovered from the mental and emotional injuries she endured.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to seek counselling with a qualified Christian counselor or pastor experienced in this area. You can not recover from this on your own. Counseling will help you address and come to terms with the issues already present in your marriage that influenced the affair (in order for healing to come, you must be willing to address these issues, especially if you wish to avoid them in a future relationship). Moving past blame, bitterness and hurt won't be easy, but it's a critical step to being able to forgive and heal. A therapist will also help you work through the turmoil of grief, jealousy, insecurity, and loneliness resulting from a broken relationship. While a marriage can survive an affair, coming out stronger than it was before, one or both members of the couple may decide to end the marriage. Perhaps you are already divorced and remarried, or single.

Whether you've experienced the heartbreak of adultery just recently or years ago, it is vital that any residual damage to your self-esteem be recognized, acknowledged and worked through. Our thought life is a breeding ground for either a healthy well-being or a diseased one. It has oft been said that whatever you feed, will grow. If you feed negative thoughts, they will eventually consume you. Now, this is not to say we should put our heads in the sand or live in denial, but we must be very careful how much time we spend indulging painful memories and thoughts.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." And Philippians 4:8 says, "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."



Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. http://www.bekahferguson.com/

by Bekah Ferguson www.bekahferguson.com

I was watching NBC's Heroes the other night and was inspired to write about one of the scenes.

A dejected Angela Petrelli is sitting on a front row pew in a dimly-lit Roman Catholic church with her son, Peter Petrelli. She says something to Peter like, "I know you hate me." He hesitates and says, "I don't hate you. You're my mother." She thinks about that a moment and then breaks eye contact, stating miserably, "Unconditional love isn't real love."

I understand the point she was making here and it makes sense at surface level. But if you dig a little deeper, you'll find the obvious misconception. See, what Angela really meant was, "You might 'love' me, but you don't like me. If I weren't your mother, you wouldn't love me at all. To me, that isn't real love; it's just a duty."

But here's the thing: Loving someone because we "like" them is only a feeling - an emotion - and emotions are fickle. This is why people can fall madly in love and then years later, mysteriously "fall out" of love. It's because their love for one another was based on feel-good emotions. In other words, what can you do for me? As soon as those strong emotions fade away, perhaps during a time of difficulty, they believe they no longer love one another.

Do we honestly believe that love based on feeling is real love?

Real love is a choice. A commitment. It's true that we can't choose our family, but we can choose whether or not to love our family. Angela believes Peter only loves her because she's his mother. But Peter loves her because he's choosing to. He's commited to her because he loves her (when he first grew to love her, it was before he knew about the dark side of her life) - and even though he despises what she has done, he has made a conscious choice to keep on loving her; even though he doesn't currently "like" her or have any warm feelings for her. She thinks this unconditional love isn't real. But what would she rather? For him to literally hate her? She knows he doesn't approve of her choices but even she doesn't approve of her own choices. So, why does she want her son to love her for what she does? She personally doesn't like who she is, so why does she want her son to love her for who she is? I would argue that real love is consciously choosing to love someone regardless of whether or not they deserve it. This kind of love is strong enough to carry us through those times when we don't feel any warm-fuzzies; when we've been wronged or disappointed or pushed to the limit. It gets us through the difficult times so that we can still come out on top. It is completely self-less. This kind of love says, "even though I don't like you right now, I choose to keep on loving you."

I don't know about you, but that's the way I want to be loved. This kind of love brings security. Imagine being in a relationship where you always have to worry that if you make one too many mistakes, your friend, or spouse, or family member is going to ditch you. Talk about subordination: "If you don't please me on an on-going basis, I won't like you enough anymore to keep on loving you." Is this real love? If it is, I don't want it.

Angela Petrelli is miserable because her son loves her unconditionally, rather than liking her conditionally. Real love can be (and often is) an impetus toward redemption. Norma McCorvey, Jane Roe of Roe v. Wade was won to the Lord by unconditional love. It is the most powerful form of love mankind can experience - or should I say, be privileged to experience. Love based solely on feelings is nothing but a counterfeit. It is sure to disappoint, time and time again.

See, "eye for an eye" is human nature. When someone is rude or grumpy or selfish; or does something negative on a regular basis; or is stubborn and hard-headed; or is sinful in some ongoing way that affects me personally (whether directly or indirectly), the natural reaction within me is to pull away, put up a wall, act cold, and *feel* less affection.

If I don't approve of what someone says or does, I begin to feel like love and grace and affection is somehow endorsing their "bad" or unattractive/unlikeable behavoir. Or more specifically, something akin to passivity. For example: He/she just did this/that, so if I remain lovey-dovey with them, it's as if I'm letting them "get away" with bad behavior. There's this tendency to feel like, well, if they apologize, if they clean up their act - then I'll be warm and loving with them again. Or: give it a few days (the cold shoulder) until I cool off a bit . . . Once I start to feel some renewed affection toward them (this, reliant on good behavior), then I'll love them "unconditionally" again. Ha. This isn't unconditional love at all. Imagine if God "loved" us this way! Scary thought.

That being said, He does discipline us. He allows us to face the consequences of our sin. But He never withholds His love and affection if we seek it. "I will never leave you or forsake you" he says, and " surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Joshua 1:5, Matthew 28:20). The only time He seems distant is when *I* have drifted away or withdrawn or put up a wall - not the other way around. When I am nasty, self-serving, grumpy, sinful - He still loves me just the same. He never gives the cold shoulder. Yes, "if I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened" (Psalm 66:18), but His love for me remains the same - in other words, he doesn't love me less, but He isn't a pushover either. "God is love" (1 John 4:8) and He loves generously; with heaps of compassion, grace and mercy. Psalm 145:8 says, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."

In the same way that Jesus came "full of grace and truth" (John 1:14), we must learn to love others with "grace and truth." What does this mean? Well, we must be open and honest when we see our loved ones doing wrong - in this way we do not tolerate or "enable" their sin - however, we must not withdraw our love and affection. If we are truly loving them unconditionally, then they shouldn't have to "earn" or "deserve" our love. We did not "earn" our salvation, for it is "by grace [we] have been saved, through faith—and this not from [ourselves], it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). So, in the same way, our love for others must be a gift that isn't contingent on works. We must make a continual effort to keep that shoulder warm at all times, regardless of worthy behavior. This will feel unnatural, because it is unnatural - but like anything, we can learn to make a habit of it if we set our minds to cultivation.

I'm thankful God loves me unconditionally - and what better way to witness for Christ than to love our friends, family and enemies with unconditional love.

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing" (1 Peter 3:8-9).

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).

 

(c) 2009 - Bekah Ferguson

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